Friday, January 27, 2012

Dear God

You will always have to examine what you believe if you are to keep on believing what you believe. This is one truth that I have come to realize and the realization of this truth has only made me more careful about what I choose to believe.
I want to share something personal with you today.
On the 7th of August, I wrote a letter to God.
I was depressed, lonely and disappointed with the way things were turning out in my life and talking to a fellow Christian at that point didn't work the wonders I was expecting. I could almost predict word for word what would be said and if I could do that what was the use of talking in the first place?
Praying wasn't helping much either; it seemed that God had taken a holiday and had his ear muffs on and a 'do not disturb’ sign on the portal that opened this world to his presence. So it was just me, myself, I and a bunch of gleeful demons having a field day in my mind.
My dear God letter was brutal but at the time I was writing it, I didn't think so.
I was reading it again today and I'm amazed at how far I have grown and how God has kept me in spite of my ignorance. I just wanted to share this with you and let you know that even though you might feel like I felt sometimes, giving up on God isn't an someone said, your worst day in Christ is better than your best day without him...

Dear God…
I feel as though you have let me down in such a huge way that I can never come back to you again. It took me a while to trust you and even a longer time to believe that you weren’t trying to fuck me up.
I did all the things they said you wanted me to do. I didn’t sleep around for cash or for fun either; I told married men that they were walking sacred monuments and told them to go home and love their wives instead of bugging me; I went home after work and spent my time reading the bible or some other book that I felt would help me be a better Christian. I was bluntly honest to the men who came around, that I had a serious relationship and didn’t want to mess that up; I went to church on Wednesdays and on Sundays and even sang in the choir in spite of the fact that I was terrified of crowds.
I wrote down eight fifteen on the work register instead of eight when I came late because I thought honesty extended to the little things as well as the big things; I gave my tithes and offerings even when I knew I wouldn’t have much to live on by the time I took them out of my salary.
Yet in doing all these things, this year, I have felt so alone…like what I am doing is a waste of time, like no matter what I do I will never make it. I feel as though I am destined to go to hell; as though no matter how hard I try to walk the straight and narrow, I, like Judas Iscariot am destined to be the daughter of perdition so that some prophecy can come to pass in someone else’s life.
Why do you throw wrenches in the otherwise smooth progression of my life? It’s almost as though you derive some sick pleasure watching me suffer and watching my expectations die and brutal death. You say your plans for me are good but didn’t you also say your thoughts are above mine? Didn’t you say that you don’t think the way I do? So “good” for you can be really “bad” for me and that isn’t fair because I didn’t ask to be born did I? I didn’t ask you to put me on this godforsaken planet and put me through the bullshit I seem to be going through.
I’m beginning to think after Christ you took a break or made another earth somewhere else…a more perfect earth and left us here to rot!
Why do I feel like I have to yell for you to hear me? Like I have to draw blood before you come down and save me? There is a tornado of darkness raging in me and it is growing stronger no matter how hard I try to snuff it out with your word. Are you real? Do you exist?
I’m trying my best here…how about a little help God? Some indication that I’m not serving something that may have died a long time ago?
I’m not a good Christian so I’m going to stop trying to be one. I won’t go out with the married men or sleep around either….I won’t stop my tithes and offerings because I know it helps the church…I won’t cheat or lie on the office register either…But I’ll go clubbing and dance my worries away. I’ll kiss the next man I really like and not worry about hurting you because you don’t seem to think twice about giving me what will cause me so much pain. I’ll hang out with the guys after work and live a little. I’ll do what I want to do without waiting for you because if you really don’t exist then I would have wasted my entire life.
I won’t be so hard on the men who come around anymore because somehow, I don’t think love graces the top of your list of attributes needed for a good marriage.
I’ll dance to usher and Ciara and all the hip pop songs I used to love dancing to before I met you and had to stop…since I met you God, I don’t know if I have died or I have lived, but I don’t want to go on feeling that way so I’ve decided to live my own way and if you think I’m worth showing up for, I’ll be waiting…I hope you think I’m worth it though, because I really don’t want to do all these things. Please show up if you’re real God…Please…
Your single Christian daughter….

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