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Wednesday, December 14, 2016

A spiritual rant

Life was much simpler when I was a child.

I knew exactly what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be and I made sure that I was unashamed about telling people where I was going and what I was going to do. These days, I am less sure of myself. For most of the part, it is almost as if some alien has inhabited my body and is taking over parts of me that were important to me when I was growing up. Ironically, it is as if I am suffering some sort of identity crises. You would think that being in God would make that a rarity but I have found out that the more I know God, the less of myself I seem to know or even like.

Sometimes I comfort myself with the thought that it is the harsh glare of the word that is causing this. That in the bright light of God’s truth, who I truly am comes to bear and the truth of that is ugly in itself. Yes I am a sinner but I have accepted that my sins have been paid for by Christ Jesus and I am the righteousness of God in Christ. Yes, I am filled with the most obscene thoughts; the kind that would make people run in the opposite direction if they caught a glimpse of them, but I have accepted the truth that I am transformed in my mind with the reading and washing of the word. Yes, I have the most horrible of habits; a temper that used to make me think I was schizophrenic. But I have accepted that in Christ, the old me is gone and the new me is on display.

It seems that the fight of being a Christian is a never ending one. For nearly 3 years I have been filled with a restlessness so deep that falling into it seems like a death that I will not be resurrected from. I have been consumed by the feeling that I am not living up to my full potential and that I am not where I should be. While some form of discontentment might be considered godly, I am unsure that this sort is from God. It borders on torment and one thing I am sure about is that the Spirit of God given does not produced torment.

I remind myself constantly that I am a work in progress. I may not be where I want to be and that thought, terrifying for me as it is, is truth as much as I want to reject it. The greatest hindrance to being whom God has called us to be is ourselves. Sometimes we fight him because we have our own ideas of whom we should be and how we should get there. Maybe this is where I am? The fighting stage; I want to surrender but I am afraid that I will not like me when he is done. I already do not like me in so many regards since my intimate walk with him began.

There are many things I am yet to understand, things that I want to understand. I just want to know that I am walking the path chosen for me and not for someone else. I am consumed with the need to know that I am doing the right thing at this point in my life. This need for divine validation is not one that I am familiar with and I am at a loss. I have asked and prayed and all I get is a nudge to trust as far as my eyes can see. Maybe that is my problem. I want the whole blueprint laid out and broken down to me in my language. But when did God ever do that? His blueprints are always made known in the fullness of time. My greatest challenge at this point is to rest in him and just trust him as far as the light ahead of me shines.  God grant me grace…amen.