The last man standing

A lot of us are hypocrites. We don’t say what we really mean and we hardly mean what we say. It would be unfair to heap the blame on ourselves and forget the fact that most of us were brought up in houses where silence was the name of the game. Where the family name and honor was protected above integrity and honesty. Where pain wasn't discussed and fears were treated like bouts of cowardice. Where we saw our parents laugh with visitors and spit at their retreating backs. No…it would be unfair to blame ourselves for our inability to tell the truth to others and to ourselves. But it would be stupid to blame everything on our upbringing too. Whether we came from that kind of background or not, the fact remains that our choices are ours alone and ultimately, we decide if we will carry on the tradition of hypocrisy or not. I've never been one to hide my feelings even though for a long time I was nearly beaten into doing just that. At eight I was a feisty little child wit...

You will always have to examine what you believe if you are to keep on believing what you believe. This is one truth that I have come to realize and the realization of this truth has only made me more careful about what I choose to believe. I want to share something personal with you today. On the 7th of August, I wrote a letter to God. I was depressed, lonely and disappointed with the way things were turning out in my life and talking to a fellow Christian at that point didn't work the wonders I was expecting. I could almost predict word for word what would be said and if I could do that what was the use of talking in the first place? Praying wasn't helping much either; it seemed that God had taken a holiday and had his ear muffs on and a 'do not disturb’ sign on the portal that opened this world to his presence. So it was just me, myself, I and a bunch of gleeful demons having a field day in my mind. My dear God letter was brutal but at the time I was writing it, I d...

It’s been a while since I wrote anything on my blog and in that long while I’ve made several discoveries and learned things that are constantly stretching me beyond my limit. One thing I’m finding out is that getting to know God is hardly a task for the lily livered person. If you have been so knocked down by life and you feel running into the snug arms of God will put an end to all your troubles, you’re dead wrong and right at the same time too! Yes, God will shield you from the storms that sent you running to him and after you have drawn strength and wisdom from him, he will send you back out into it to still it, simply because he knows you can do it. That‘s another thing I’m learning about God, he’s multi faceted, in ways that I can’t even begin to imagine. There are so many sides and mysteries to him that each day is a foray into depths of discoveries that can turn the way you think around in an instant. Right now, I’m learning that God isn’t always quick to jump when I snap my...

Has it ever occurred to you that you let life happen before you let God happen? I woke up one morning with that realization nagging at the back of mind and I suddenly discovered the reason why I had been going through a seemingly boomerang Christian walk for some time. There were highs and lows that I thought I should have gone beyond. I still felt like a child learning how to walk and it was beyond frustrating because I knew I should have been running by now, my feet pounding through the hallways and hands raised in childish delight. But that wasn’t the case; I found myself flat down on my face too many times to count and at a point I threw up my hands and said to myself ‘well maybe I’m not cut out to be a Christian! It didn’t help that some of my close friends seemed to have no problems with their walk with God. They seemed to be having a ball. There I was, immersed in fears and doubts and worries…there I was, wondering if God heard me when I prayed…there I was wondering if I was...

Often times as humans beings, we underestimate the depth and breadth of the human wonder called the mind. My mind travelled down a dark maze last week and strayed from snaking path to snaking path until it nearly drove me mad. I ran from one end of the maze to the other and screamed until my voice got hoarse; but no one heard me; no one heard me because all the while that I was screaming in that maze, there was a huge smile plastered on my face. I laughed at the same jokes, cracked the same jokes and did the same things I did each day I got to work in the morning. I suddenly realized that I had become a creature of habit and I didn’t like it one bit. This dark time in my life made me realize that there are countless of people lost in their own personal mazes, trapped in their own nightmare; their emotions twisted and their feeling frozen in a sheet of ice; but no one hears them thudding beneath the surface because they have mastered the art the enemy has gotten us to master in a ver...

I don’t think it’s easy to serve God. Some people make it sound like once you start walking with him, everything falls into place. They forget to mention that for things in your life to fall into place, some things have gotta give and others have to be moved around a bit. So it’s not surprising that once you have turned your life over to God, all hell seems to break loose...literally. You’re no longer comfortable with the things you used to do before. Your thought pattern is challenged in most painful ways, and then, you’re expected to act in a way that seems to tear the very flesh away from your bones. For me, it’s been one hell hole after another but I can confidently tell you that while I feel pain so intense that I have to hit my head on the wall to stop from committing murder, I won’t have it any other way. At the end of the day when all is said and done, I would rather be on God’s side than to be against him. Have you taken a good look at the enemy’s curriculum vitae lately...

I’d been smoking pot and having wild sex for the past ten years without an iota of remorse and it was all fine by me until I ran smack into T-boy. Now, he wasn’t what you would call good looking but he had that appeal that made you want to get close enough to find out what was on his mind all the time. He had that gentleness that made you want to prove that he was nothing but a fraud. He had that patience that made you want to test it until the monster you were so sure was inside him came out raging and looking for blood. He made me want to be good when all I had ever been was bad and that infuriated me. I pushed him away from me with a violence that was nearly as breathtaking as it was brutal. But he kept on coming right back. I had my male friends give him a beating that put him in a hospital. I had my female friends throw themselves over him in a shameless display of wanton lust...I screamed at him in public and slapped him more times than I care to remember...but he didn’t budg...