Dear God

You will always have to examine what you believe if you are to keep on believing what you believe. This is one truth that I have come to realize and the realization of this truth has only made me more careful about what I choose to believe.
I want to share something personal with you today.
On the 7th of August, I wrote a letter to God.
I was depressed, lonely and disappointed with the way things were turning out in my life and talking to a fellow Christian at that point didn't work the wonders I was expecting. I could almost predict word for word what would be said and if I could do that what was the use of talking in the first place?
Praying wasn't helping much either; it seemed that God had taken a holiday and had his ear muffs on and a 'do not disturb’ sign on the portal that opened this world to his presence. So it was just me, myself, I and a bunch of gleeful demons having a field day in my mind.
My dear God letter was brutal but at the time I was writing it, I didn't think so.
I was reading it again today and I'm amazed at how far I have grown and how God has kept me in spite of my ignorance. I just wanted to share this with you and let you know that even though you might feel like I felt sometimes, giving up on God isn't an option...like someone said, your worst day in Christ is better than your best day without him...

Dear God…
I feel as though you have let me down in such a huge way that I can never come back to you again. It took me a while to trust you and even a longer time to believe that you weren’t trying to fuck me up.
I did all the things they said you wanted me to do. I didn’t sleep around for cash or for fun either; I told married men that they were walking sacred monuments and told them to go home and love their wives instead of bugging me; I went home after work and spent my time reading the bible or some other book that I felt would help me be a better Christian. I was bluntly honest to the men who came around, that I had a serious relationship and didn’t want to mess that up; I went to church on Wednesdays and on Sundays and even sang in the choir in spite of the fact that I was terrified of crowds.
I wrote down eight fifteen on the work register instead of eight when I came late because I thought honesty extended to the little things as well as the big things; I gave my tithes and offerings even when I knew I wouldn’t have much to live on by the time I took them out of my salary.
Yet in doing all these things, this year, I have felt so alone…like what I am doing is a waste of time, like no matter what I do I will never make it. I feel as though I am destined to go to hell; as though no matter how hard I try to walk the straight and narrow, I, like Judas Iscariot am destined to be the daughter of perdition so that some prophecy can come to pass in someone else’s life.
Why do you throw wrenches in the otherwise smooth progression of my life? It’s almost as though you derive some sick pleasure watching me suffer and watching my expectations die and brutal death. You say your plans for me are good but didn’t you also say your thoughts are above mine? Didn’t you say that you don’t think the way I do? So “good” for you can be really “bad” for me and that isn’t fair because I didn’t ask to be born did I? I didn’t ask you to put me on this godforsaken planet and put me through the bullshit I seem to be going through.
I’m beginning to think after Christ you took a break or made another earth somewhere else…a more perfect earth and left us here to rot!
Why do I feel like I have to yell for you to hear me? Like I have to draw blood before you come down and save me? There is a tornado of darkness raging in me and it is growing stronger no matter how hard I try to snuff it out with your word. Are you real? Do you exist?
I’m trying my best here…how about a little help God? Some indication that I’m not serving something that may have died a long time ago?
I’m not a good Christian so I’m going to stop trying to be one. I won’t go out with the married men or sleep around either….I won’t stop my tithes and offerings because I know it helps the church…I won’t cheat or lie on the office register either…But I’ll go clubbing and dance my worries away. I’ll kiss the next man I really like and not worry about hurting you because you don’t seem to think twice about giving me what will cause me so much pain. I’ll hang out with the guys after work and live a little. I’ll do what I want to do without waiting for you because if you really don’t exist then I would have wasted my entire life.
I won’t be so hard on the men who come around anymore because somehow, I don’t think love graces the top of your list of attributes needed for a good marriage.
I’ll dance to usher and Ciara and all the hip pop songs I used to love dancing to before I met you and had to stop…since I met you God, I don’t know if I have died or I have lived, but I don’t want to go on feeling that way so I’ve decided to live my own way and if you think I’m worth showing up for, I’ll be waiting…I hope you think I’m worth it though, because I really don’t want to do all these things. Please show up if you’re real God…Please…
Sincerely
Your single Christian daughter….

The valley of unanswered prayers

It’s been a while since I wrote anything on my blog and in that long while I’ve made several discoveries and learned things that are constantly stretching me beyond my limit.
One thing I’m finding out is that getting to know God is hardly a task for the lily livered person. If you have been so knocked down by life and you feel running into the snug arms of God will put an end to all your troubles, you’re dead wrong and right at the same time too!
Yes, God will shield you from the storms that sent you running to him and after you have drawn strength and wisdom from him, he will send you back out into it to still it, simply because he knows you can do it.
That‘s another thing I’m learning about God, he’s multi faceted, in ways that I can’t even begin to imagine. There are so many sides and mysteries to him that each day is a foray into depths of discoveries that can turn the way you think around in an instant.
Right now, I’m learning that God isn’t always quick to jump when I snap my finger which is what most believers tend to do when they find themselves in hot water.
When I got born again at first, answers to my prayers seemed to be miraculously delivered to my door step at almost DHL speed. It was fun in those days praying for five or ten minutes and then seeing the answer almost immediately. It made me confident in praying and built my confidence in God which I what I think he wanted to do in me by the way.
Eventually however, the more I grew in my walk with God, the more I had to wait for certain answers. While some still came almost instantly, most of the answers I craved for seemed to have developed a cold and were keeping away with frustrating precision and a blatant disregard for my time.
I’m at that point where almost all my prayers now seem to go unheeded.
The first time I didn’t get answers to my prayers, the first thought that came to my mind was ‘what sin had I committed now?
It’s kind of an automatic response I carried around with me from my worldly days. I had a guilt complex then and blamed myself for nearly everything that went wrong in my life and the lives of people I was close to. Now I know better.
While sin does keep us from getting our prayers answered, it isn’t the only hindrance. Besides, as a growing Christian, I have learned to make repentance as constant a habit as breathing. The blood of Jesus is there for a reason and that is to cleanse us from all unrighteousness and make sure that our link to God is stronger than ever.
These days, making sure that I have genuinely repented of all my sins gives me confidence to stand before God in faith for that prayer whose answer seems to be a long time coming.
Another reason why our prayers can go unanswered is our attitude. Praying for a new job when we come in for work at ten in the morning isn’t exactly going to make God wheel in a new one that fast. Sometimes, there are certain negative things we learn about ourselves in the place of unanswered prayer that with careful self examination under the light of God’s word and through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we can turn to strengths.
As a budding Christian, I used to throw tantrums when I didn’t get my prayers answered. I would deliberately turn my back on God and go watch some movie I knew he didn’t approve of or keep malice with him (imagine that!). I’m sure God is constantly amused by my little dramatic flairs of pouting when I put them up, but did that get me the answers? You can bet it didn’t!

So after several failed pouting sessions, I realized I can’t get God to jump the way some parents jump when their kids start sulking or throwing tantrums. God isn’t some insecure parent who needs to buy my love or affection with sweet treats or that new toy he can’t afford. God, I’ve discovered, cares more about my character than my comfort. The ultimate goal of his relationship with us is to make us more and more like him; godly, holy, loving, compassionate, forgiving….
God isn’t impressed when I stamp my foot in the ground and huff and puff. In fact, in those moments I can almost hear him say, ‘when you’re done fooling around, you know where I’ll be.’
Inevitably I always have to come back and apologize, then take his hand to continue the journey on the straight and narrow.
Getting answers to our prayers is all good but what good does it do when it doesn’t change who we are?
What good is that answered prayer when it doesn’t give God the glory?
What good are the answered prayers when it can’t make people around you know God as their father too?
I think Christians have gotten o the point where they see God as a gambling machine: you put in quarter and if you play real hard, you may hit a jackpot.
There are no chances with God only plans and the bible says that his plans and his purpose are forever.
Right now, I’m working for a company that hasn’t paid salaries for quite a while, but God has been faithful. I haven’t starved to death and I still manage to look pretty good!
I’m praying for a new job for over a year and I’m backing it with some action.
The rent on my home is way overdue and the agent has given me a deadline that I can’t physically meet but I’ve been trusting God and I’m still trusting him to take care of it.
I’d like to quit my job and I’ve been praying they I’ll get paid outstanding salaries so I can get by while I throw myself into the grind.
I want to get married to the man of my dreams but my father won’t have any of it so I’ve been praying about that for some time as well.
I’ve got a table filled with petitions and prayers and no answer so far has made it back to me.
I’m sharing this with you all because I’ve observed that the times are really trying now especially for most believers. This is a period of refining and separation; holding on to God’s word even when it looks like it’s not worth a lick of salt is what will help you sail through to the other side.
The word of God says that we are garrisoned by God’s power through our faith in him (1st Peter 1:5)
Without our faith in God we have nothing, absolutely nothing. We can trust in man for a while but I’m sure we all have bitter recounts of how our faith in the arm of flesh has let us down when we need it the most. No matter how hard it may seem to trust God right now because of what you’re going through, you have to understand that he is the only way.
As you walk through this dark trying time, get through it by asking God what he wants you to learn while you wait for his plan to come to the light.
Personally I know that this string of unanswered prayers is God’s way of teaching me patience while he works things out according to his will and for his glory. I am sure that I will receive amazing answers when they finally come and you will be the first I share it with. You can rest assured as the Holy Spirit is assuring me, that all things work together for good unto those who love God and are called according to his purpose.

When life happens first

Has it ever occurred to you that you let life happen before you let God happen? I woke up one morning with that realization nagging at the back of mind and I suddenly discovered the reason why I had been going through a seemingly boomerang Christian walk for some time. There were highs and lows that I thought I should have gone beyond.

I still felt like a child learning how to walk and it was beyond frustrating because I knew I should have been running by now, my feet pounding through the hallways and hands raised in childish delight. But that wasn’t the case; I found myself flat down on my face too many times to count and at a point I threw up my hands and said to myself ‘well maybe I’m not cut out to be a Christian!
It didn’t help that some of my close friends seemed to have no problems with their walk with God. They seemed to be having a ball. There I was, immersed in fears and doubts and worries…there I was, wondering if God heard me when I prayed…there I was wondering if I was one of the chosen ones…there I was…letting life happen to me first…

The Christian that lets life happen first is the one who wakes up in the morning and jumps to his feet without as much as a ‘’good morning’’ directed in God’s way. The Christian who lets life happen first is the one who is more concerned about getting to work on time then he is about asking God to direct the course of his day.

The Christian who lets life happen first is the one who remembers to pray only when problems are staring him in the face and all the educational knowledge and technical know-how he has doesn’t seem to cut it. The Christian who lets life happen first is the one who barely has the time to study the word and who has to dust off a fine film of dust from his bible every Sunday.

Sounds familiar? That’s probably because I just described you and me! I became a Christian and still did things the way I used to and expected awesome results! Who was it that said when you do the same things over and over again and expect a different result, that’s insanity? I forget, but the point is the moment you become a Christian, things don’t automatically line up!

Problems don’t instantly faint and die because your spirit man just got renewed! No way! You have a whole lifestyle of self centeredness to deal with and only getting into the word of God can help you overcome that.

That’s why Paul was quick to say ‘be not conformed to the image of the world but be transformed through the renewal of your mind’ (Romans 12:2)
With God, the game is different and so are the rules. As a growing Christian, God should happen first in your life and in order for that to happen; you have to pay attention to the word of God and prayer.

If you don’t have a buildup of God’s word in you, when trials and other problems come (and trust me, they will!) you won’t be able to handle it one bit. You will be pulled under as easily as a child who doesn’t know how to swim. But when the word is strong in you, you can withstand the tides of life that roar at you. Stay blessed!

Opportunity costs of life

Often times as humans beings, we underestimate the depth and breadth of the human wonder called the mind. My mind travelled down a dark maze last week and strayed from snaking path to snaking path until it nearly drove me mad. I ran from one end of the maze to the other and screamed until my voice got hoarse; but no one heard me; no one heard me because all the while that I was screaming in that maze, there was a huge smile plastered on my face. I laughed at the same jokes, cracked the same jokes and did the same things I did each day I got to work in the morning. I suddenly realized that I had become a creature of habit and I didn’t like it one bit.


This dark time in my life made me realize that there are countless of people lost in their own personal mazes, trapped in their own nightmare; their emotions twisted and their feeling frozen in a sheet of ice; but no one hears them thudding beneath the surface because they have mastered the art the enemy has gotten us to master in a very unconscious way. The art of projecting a facade

The world around us is becoming one mass of swarming humanity moving in the direction of desperate self satisfaction and lofty goals of attainment and wealth. Some people may call it a progressive society; I call it a self centred one

In the pursuit of our dreams, we have taken our gaze off the intricacies of the process involved in the true attainment of these goals and have placed too much emphasis on the end process itself.

I got into a nearly violent argument with a good friend of mine when he told me he had been responsible for getting some married men hooked up to some of his clique of girlfriends who were simply looking for a good time and a wad of cash to spend.

These men are married I pointed out to him. Why oblige them? His response? The married men simply want to have a good time themselves and are ready to spend the money to get it. My friend says that there are some things that you have to do if you want to get where you are going. Apparently, these married wealthy men are prominent men in positions of power and it pays to be able to maintain more than a nodding relationship with them.

If you have to lose yourself in the pursuit of your dreams, then you are going about it the wrong way. There are many of us losing a piece of ourselves to our so called goals and dreams. We don’t get to see our kids take their first step, we don’t get to know what they like or dislike, and we don’t get to make out time to make our marriages thrive. We don’t get the time to check up on old pals, we don’t get the time to give our time and our resources to hurting and needy people around us...we don’t have the time for God.

The sad thing is that most of us are barely happy doing the things we do but we do them because we feel that we need them to define who we are and what we are supposed to be in life; but the fact of the matter is that we can only know these things when we slow down long enough for God to tell us. He created us so he is the one who knows who we are and what we were created to do.

‘Call upon me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things which you do not know of (Jeremiah 33:3)

But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all other things will be added on to you; fear not little flock, for it is your father’s pleasure to give you the kingdom. (Luke 12:31&32)

Like all things in life, we have a purpose and that can only be found in seeking out God and his ways. God is faithful; the more you seek him, the more you walk in the things that he has prepared for you.

The greatest form of deception is self deception. You can deceive everyone around you but the minute you deceive yourself, you lose a great piece of yourself. If you are feeling stirrings of dissatisfaction with the false nature of your life and you desire more than the rigorous routine of living, take a step by spending more time with God. He made you, he knows your path and that simply means he will show you how to live a life full of meaning and purpose.

Whose side are you on?

I don’t think it’s easy to serve God. Some people make it sound like once you start walking with him, everything falls into place. They forget to mention that for things in your life to fall into place, some things have gotta give and others have to be moved around a bit. So it’s not surprising that once you have turned your life over to God, all hell seems to break loose...literally.


You’re no longer comfortable with the things you used to do before. Your thought pattern is challenged in most painful ways, and then, you’re expected to act in a way that seems to tear the very flesh away from your bones. For me, it’s been one hell hole after another but I can confidently tell you that while I feel pain so intense that I have to hit my head on the wall to stop from committing murder, I won’t have it any other way. At the end of the day when all is said and done, I would rather be on God’s side than to be against him.

Have you taken a good look at the enemy’s curriculum vitae lately? It’s amazing!! He has managed to increase crimes like rape and murder to numbers that practically shoot through the roof not to mention the fact that he has successfully brainwashed generation after generation of people into believing that they are masters of their own destiny. Don’t get me wrong, they are masters of their own destiny...co masters that is but don’t think for one minute that the devil is going to let you know that!

There are quite a number of things that he has done but my point is, when you look at God’s curriculum vitae in comparison, being on his side is the wiser choice. So, why aren’t people on his side more you would ask?

I would like to think it’s because they are terrified of the notion of handing over their lives to an unseen entity. For many of them, it connotes a powerlessness that they are not willing to concede to and I can totally relate to that. I used to be scared that the instant I gave my life over to him, he’d have me married off to some man I didn’t want because it would be his will or he would make me do something I didn’t want to do...I still have those fears from time to time but the more I get to know him, the more I know that I can trust his choices for my life. And besides, do we honestly think that we know what we want more than the one who created us? That’s like saying a Toyota car suddenly saying ‘I don’t think I was made for driving; I was made for flying’!

What I’m trying to say in essence is that serving God comes with a lot of pain and sacrifices. I’ve made a few sacrifices and gone through pain and I know I haven’t seen the last of both. Jesus sure didn’t promise it would be easy, after all he did say if you want to follow him, take up your cross. But I rest assured on the knowledge that as long as I am treading the path God has out me on, I will have the peace and strength I need to carry on. The world’s a battleground folks and that is the truth...Question is, whose side are you on?

Pulled back from the edge

I’d been smoking pot and having wild sex for the past ten years without an iota of remorse and it was all fine by me until I ran smack into T-boy. Now, he wasn’t what you would call good looking but he had that appeal that made you want to get close enough to find out what was on his mind all the time. He had that gentleness that made you want to prove that he was nothing but a fraud. He had that patience that made you want to test it until the monster you were so sure was inside him came out raging and looking for blood.


He made me want to be good when all I had ever been was bad and that infuriated me. I pushed him away from me with a violence that was nearly as breathtaking as it was brutal. But he kept on coming right back. I had my male friends give him a beating that put him in a hospital. I had my female friends throw themselves over him in a shameless display of wanton lust...I screamed at him in public and slapped him more times than I care to remember...but he didn’t budge. He kept coming back, brown eyes filled with a love and understanding that made me want to run out of my own skin. ‘I believe in you and I can’t give up on you because God hasn’t given up on you’, he would murmur, even after I once emptied the plate of okra over his head. I believe in you.

When I couldn’t take it anymore I finally asked the one question that had been nagging me all along. The one question I had refused to ask out of sheer stubbornness. Why? Why do you believe in me so much when I hardly believe in myself?

My father didn’t believe in me, why should you? My mother didn’t believe in me, why should you? Why would a total stranger believe in me when my family thought I was born to be a slut?

And with the question came the memories I had buried. The pain I had shelved. The rejection I had hidden under the layer of artfully applied make up and a well toned body. Like a broken dam, I stood with everything gushing out of me. And like a sea he took it all in.

That’s how I got saved. That’s how I discovered who I really was and what I was made for; T-boy didn’t wave a huge bible in my face the way some people did to me sometimes. He didn’t tell me I would burn in hell if I didn’t repent like the choir mistress once told me when I wore my favourite tight miniskirt to church. He didn’t spit at me when I walked past and he didn’t snicker at me when I put my hand up in church to ask a question. I wanted what he had simply because he lived it.

Too many people spend their time judging people and making them feel worse than they already feel; all that only drives them further away. When you have Christ, you love more and judge less. The world has a lot of hatred and judgement already and they are looking for something different. Love is different and it makes you stand out.

That’s why Jesus said you are the light of the word. In a world where the hate has cast clouds so dark and thick, love is the only sun that can pierce through the darkness.

What are you doing today? Loving? Or condemning?

Ode to a 'forever friend'

I wanted to stand over your body and command you back to life. I wanted to play Jesus, but my faith was rifled with strife. All I could do was cry...when you lose someone you thought would live forever, a part of you dies and lives again in a way that makes you see life through new eyes...You live on in my heart Hombre...REST IN PEACE.

ETCHED...


The memory of you sizzles



As pictures of you are burned deep


Into the matter of my mind.


Clarity is the price I pay


For not noticing you were there.


Suddenly I can see you laugh


In that careless way of yours;


You throw back your head and roar


Lean forward and clutch your belly with graceful fingers;


Suddenly, I can see you saunter


Into a room and hold your own in the banter


Wit matching wit,


Wit surpassing wit,


Gay with youth


Flushed with the pride of holding your own


Against the rising tide.


I kind of assumed you would live forever


Or at least until my last grandchild


Tore out the strands of your graying hair.


You were going to be his godfather


But I didn’t even know it till I heard


That you had left this world’s fleshy fray.


Now my heart won’t stop aching


Like a rotting tooth it throbs every minute;


Now my eyes won’t stop tearing up,


Like a broken fountain it gushes;


Now my mind won’t stop playing


Those precious frames of moments


Captured and frozen deep inside.


Time capsule released by the hands of death


I see you watch me and it makes me cry.


Could I have stopped the hands of time?


Could I have leapt through space?


And held your hand as you floated away?


I didn’t get the chance to say


You were one of a kind,


I didn’t get the chance to say


You were one of a kind…

IN MEMORY OF JOSHUA OKPAPI...