A letter to God from a depressed Christian

Dear God,

This is your daughter.

I am writing instead of talking because my voice is gone.

It’s lost somewhere inside of me, in the midst of the violent storm raging.

I try to speak to you but I can’t find the words.

My heart is aching with emotions that I cannot name.

My throat is closed up with what feels like years and years of unshed tears.

Which can’t be…because I have done nothing but cry this year, and the year before that.

I have done nothing but sob in that deep agonizing animalistic way that has terrified even me.

So why do I still feel like there is more inside that needs to come out?

I want to talk to you, but then I say to myself, “you already know where I am, you know how I am, you know why I am, is there any need to speak to you?”

I want to blame you for this fire, for putting me in front of this mirror and making me look at this reflection.

I want to blame you for putting me on this wine press, for pressing on me and making me bleed.

I want to blame you…and I do.

I asked you to purify my motives didn’t I?

Is that what this is?

The purification of my motives for things I thought I wanted?

Dear God,

I am exhausted.

You know that I have been saying that to you for months now, yes? Even years.

I tried to tell a few people how I feel; they said speaking like that was not right.

I needed to be strong, for my sake, for my baby’s sake.

But Lord, I am tired.

Every bone in my body is tired.

I feel it down to the movement of blood in my veins.

I feel it in the sluggish chug of blood flow,

The slow trudge of thoughts in my head,

The slow thump of my heart.

Every part of me is tired.

How many times do I ask for your help Lord?

How many times have I said, “I am tired, help me?”

Or have just whispered “help me” over and over again?

These days the cloud of depression is heavier.

Its weight is dragging my lifeline down.

And the “why” is hard to point out.

But I am a Christian right?

I should not be feeling depressed.

I have gone online, read articles, listened to messages about depression. Some days, it helps.

Some days I feel the weight lift away and I am fine for some seconds, minutes. Then it comes back, with a vengeance.

Working out used to help Lord…now I can’t even find the energy to do that.

Waking up is hard.

Breathing is hard.

Going through the motions is my saving grace.

Showing up used to be enough.

Now showing up no longer counts.

Dear Lord,

Sometimes, I feel guilty for feeling this way.

There is so much that I have, so much that I am capable of.

I feel like the one burying his talent in the ground, waiting for you to come so that I can complain that you were a hard master and weren’t there for me.

But that would be a lie.

Yes…I am not sure of what my divine assignment is.

I simply know that I have been dogged by the persistent knowing that I am meant to do something really great.

But today, at 36 with all the things I thought I would accomplish vanishing into thin air, I feel like I am nothing, like I have nothing.

Deep down though…I know it’s a lie…I have everything Lord.

You…I have you.

But right now…even the knowledge that I have you is not enough.

I am tired dear Lord.

Really tired.

Please help me…

Your Daughter in the fog

Picture credit: Flickr